Football does a great job annually of making everyone in America look like idiots! How do we prove our validity as morons? Predictions.
Predictions can take many forms through an NFL fan. Sometimes it is shown through the people we draft on our fantasy football teams. How many people entered last season thinking Colin Kaepernick was going to be a reliable starting quarterback and not a bust that would get sidelined for Blaine Gabbert? Instead of working himself back to the top spot after the demotion, the only thing Kaep ended up throwing in 2015 was the towel-in. (1)
Sometimes we literally wear our idiotic-predictions on our sleeves with clothing that supports the NFL franchise/players of our choosing. Hence the 2014 season when the number three top-selling NFL jersey belonged to Johnny Manziel. (2)
But mostly, we just inform others of our opinions on NFL predictions through discussion expression platforms. Hence blog posts like this, water fountain interactions and Facebook/Twitter feeds all over. And why do we make ourselves vulnerable to this almost certain predetermined claim to stupidity? JUST IN CASE WE GET THE CHANCE TO BE CORRECT! Which has been enough to inspire me to utilize my own platform as well.
Some will define things like NFL predictions that are found to be most outrageously idiotic as another term; BOLD! For the sake of saving future face I will not substitute the secondary term; here goes my IDIOTIC NFL playoff/miscellaneous predictions for the 2016-2017 season.
Of course, things will alter the chances of all these predictions becoming correct but what’s the fun in thinking you’re anything but invincible? Truth is, the odds of an NFL starting line-up staying the same are about as likely as KFC sticking to one new Colonel Sanders. Injuries will happen that will make these somewhat likely playoff scenarios take a label of idiocracy but if they don’t they will make the ability to brag about my genius that much sweeter! And that’s why we do it! That’s why we make predictions! So this way come Christmas time when we go to the annual office holiday party or those big family/friend celebrations we can toast to our psychic abilities we don’t actually have in everyone’s favorite line; “I told ya so!”
Most likely, this article won’t be read by the majority of the public. It will simply be washed for your handheld screen with a swipe of a finger or scrolled-over on whatever social media feed it graces. So why publish it? For just in case scenarios that I actually do get things correct, I will have proof to fall-back on. *Speaking of, that reminds me to make sure to click the save button.* So, yes this week’s Lloyd-Rage blog post was simply for Lloyd. But read it as if it’s for you. That way you can call me a dumbass later under your breath or in the comment section when I’m proven wrong (hopefully it will happen no sooner than week five).
Before we start things that will almost certainly make me look idiotic in five months, here are a few things I feel are almost NFL Certainties we can ALL rely on.
- The Cleveland Browns will be mediocre.
- The Houston Texans will not make/win the Super Bowl because of the Super Bowl host-town curse.
- The New England Patriots will not be affected by Roger Goodell’s suspensions.
- The Denver Broncos will have a Super Bowl Hangover.
- Tony Romo will not make the comeback he thinks he will.
HERE WE GO!
AFC North – Pittsburgh Steelers. #1 Seed.
AFC East – New England Patriots. #2 Seed.
AFC West – Oakland Raiders. #4 Seed.
AFC South – Indianapolis Colts. #3 Seed.
AFC WILD CARD WINNERS –
- Cincinnati Bengals. #5 Seed.
- Kansas City Chiefs. #6 Seed.
AFC PLAYOFF BREAKDOWN –
In the AFC Wild Card round the home team’s win with the Raiders overwhelming Andy Dalton and the ‘Bungals’ who will keep up their playoff first round woes. The Colts will overcome a slow-start to the Chiefs as Alex Smith throws three touchdowns and zero interceptions forgoeing him of being the KC scapegoat. Luck will simply dominate the second half with efficient deep throws to move Indy onto the next round.
The AFC divisional weekend will see a shaky Pittsburgh team, struggling with injuries come January, lose to a hot Raiders team that will man-handle Big Ben Roethlisberger to less than 200 yards passing. Indianapolis will finally confront the seemingly everlasting monkey of New England with a dramatic victory in Foxborough thanks to an off day by Brady featuring two picks, a fumble and a muffed snap that aides the Colts to the AFC Championship.
The Colts will flub kissing the princess after sleighing the AFC dragon (New England) in the Championship game leading to the firing of Chuck Pagano following a 30-15 Lucas Oil Stadium loss. The red-hot Raiders will represent the AFC in Super Bowl 51 and spark discussion of dilemma as to keeping the team in Oakland come next off-season.
NFC DIVISION WINNERS –
NFC North – Green Bay Packers. #1 Seed.
NFC East – New York Giants #4 Seed.
NFC West – Arizona Cardinals. #3 Seed.
NFC South – Carolina Panthers. #2 Seed.
NFC WILD CARD WINNERS –
- Seattle Seahawks. # 5 Seed.
- Detroit Lions. #6 Seed.
NFC PLAYOFF BREAKDOWN –
Wild Card round. Thanks to Teddy Bridgewater’s injury the Lions will sneak into the NFC playoffs, replacing the Minnesota Vikings ‘would-be’ spot. But D-town will enjoy a short postseason, losing harshly to the Arizona Cardinals in a +30 point blowout! Meanwhile, in New York the Giants will win a dog-fight of a game over Seattle in NYC with Odell Beckham Jr. having a massive game featuring a lot of trash talk with the Legion of Boom’s secondary.
The Green Bay Packers will simply be too much for the Giants in the divisional round, despite the anticipationing headlines of a repeat 2011-12 NYG run. Carolina will falter at home as the dream to repeat an NFC title dies by the hands of the offensively overpowering Arizona Bruce Arians led Cardinals that unlocks the Panther’s otherwise solid defense in a 44-21 win to move onto Lambeau for the NFC Championship.
There’s a big difference between Carolina in January and Green Bay in January. The frigid cold differential will be a factor for the dessert birds as the cheeseheads of GB win big at home to go on to be NFC Champions via 41-18 win.
It will be a Super Bowl II rematch in Houston when the Packers face the Raiders and after 49 years of waiting for vengeance, Aaron Rodgers will cynically keep the Oakland fans thirsting for 1968 redemption. (3) The ‘Baaaad Man’ will lead a late touchdown drive where he will complete two crucial third-down conversions and eventually hand the ball off to Eddie Lacy for the go-ahead score in an intense but low scoring 20-16 Packer victory.
OTHER IDIOTIC/BOLD PREDICTIONS –
- Adrian Peterson suffers a season altering injury midseason, ruining Minnesota’s already dying chances.
- Rex Ryan is fired before season’s end.
- Ezekiel Elliot ends up winning the Rookie of the Year.
- Los Angeles will be sour on the Rams come December.
- The Beats will give up on Jay Cutler who will be benched by Week 12.
- Luck has an MVP year.
- Yeah Browns will earn the label of respectable with Robert Griffin III behind center. Cementing himself as the starter following a 7-9 season.
- Jimmy Garopollo plays well enough in Tom Brady’s absence to get a better contract with someone else by 2018.
- Eddie Lacy wins the “Comeback Player of the Year” award.
The prediction game wouldn’t be fun if they weren’t seemingly or proven to be idiotic. The trick is to keep it light-hearted to ensure that it won’t ruin you mentally or possibly physically. Happy NFL Returns Day and make some idiotic prophecies, never know… They may just become BOLD come year’s end!